For my own personal sanity, a few times a month, I scrape up some extra cash and pay a lovely woman to spend a few hours at my house cleaning the bathrooms and floors. Yesterday was one of those glorious days. When I got home from work around 5:00 pm, I was looking forward to some of that good stuff. That shot of dopamine I get when my house is...cleanish. I walked through the door, peered over my daughter's shoulder and into the kitchen as she greeted me with a hug, and immediately noticed the blueberry Cheerios sprinkled around on the kitchen floor. My gaze shifted upward to the kitchen counter where the most notable item in the crowd of usual suspects (toy food, sports water bottles, charging cords, hair ties...) was a plastic cup half filled with milk and a few soggy chunks of graham cracker placed on top of a carefully laid out hand towel usually reserved for the bathroom. With a smile and an optimistic attitude I ventured further into the house. My father-in-law stood up from his post on the living room recliner to greet me, and sawdust rained down off his clothing onto the chair and recently vacuumed living room floor. Soon after, my husband came upstairs and immediately apologized. Just a general apology. The only specific thing about the apology was the description of the bear meat chili and left over pizza he ate at work for lunch. I took the next opportunity to head downstairs and change before getting started on dinner. When I got downstairs I grabbed some comfy clothes from our bedroom closet (and a beer from the mini fridge) then stopped by the bathroom to change. When I glanced at the toilet I noticed the cleaner that my husband was thoughtful enough to spray on the toilet bowl that no one could have guessed had been cleaned a few hours prior. By the time I got back upstairs I'd adjusted my expectations and settled on the idea that even if I wasn't there to see it, my house had been clean a few hours ago. After dinner I was feeling pretty good (the sweatpants, can of beer, and not having to work on Friday probably had something to do with this), so when Ryann danced through the kitchen and accidentally knocked her milk off the counter and onto the floor I somehow managed to keep the lid on. Unfortunately, I'd cleaned up the plastic cup filled with soggy graham cracker from earlier and given her a fresh glass of milk for dinner. So I had a combo milk and broken glass clean up situation on my hands. Wait. Actually, it was a combo milk and broken glass situation on our hands. Without me asking, Ryann got out the broom and dust pan, put on her winter boots, and stuck with me as we cleaned the mess up together.
This is a big deal. After we came back to school from holiday break, Ryann and I got sucked into this exhausting push and pull dynamic in the mornings. It would start with me going in her bedroom to wake her up. Right away she would refuse to get out of bed, and then I would immediately get annoyed and complain that she was going to make me late for work. After a week or so I realized that some version of the same fight had taken over the entire morning routine. From getting out of bed to getting dressed to eating breakfast to putting on her outdoor gear....all the way through the front doors of the school until we parted ways at the bottom of the steps that lead to my office. For several weeks this went on regardless of when I put her to bed the night before, whether or not we set out clothes for the morning, what time I woke her up for school, etc. None of that seemed to matter and it was really starting bother me. I was taking it personally, and unlike my boys, she didn't really seem to care. One of my jobs as the school psychologist in Esko is to consult with teachers when the behavior of a student or students is becoming a problem for others in the classroom. After assuming this role for 15 or so years across many different school districts, I've come to the realization that it's less about the ideas I bring to the table, and more about helping the teacher shift their lens ever so much. It's about helping them observe the problem from a different angle, because the best solution for most problems inside the classroom resides within the teacher, not me. On Martin Luther King day a few weeks ago, as part of an educator professional development day, I was able to listen to speaker Sasha Long, a behavior analyst and former special education teacher. Two things that she shared that day helped me shift my lens on my morning routine problem. One of the things she talked about was something I've heard numerous times before. "Is it a can't do or a won't do problem?" Like I said, I've heard this so many times before I doubted I would learn anything new around this idea. But then she put up a slide that had three lines on it.
Next, she told us that if someone asked her run a mile and get $500, then she would actually want to run the mile because the $500 would motivate her to want to do it. Lastly, she said told us if someone asked her run a mile in 7 minutes she wouldn't even bother attempting and it wouldn't matter if someone offered her $500 or $5000. She felt confident no matter how hard she tried she wouldn't be able to do it...so why bother attempting it? The other idea that stuck with me from her presentation was, the most effective way to change how Ryann behaved in the morning was to start by changing my own behavior. The fresh perspective on the problem led me to first do a little experiment using a highly sought after box of kinetic sand. This would help me determine whether the morning situation was a can't do or a willful won't do. My assumption was it's a willful "won't do" (you know to spite me of course) since I've seen my daughter independently hop out of bed and get herself dressed on many occasions. You know what? It turned out that even with a little extra motivation she still struggled to get out of bed. Maybe it wasn't all about me after all. I started to think about the many things I know I am able to do under certain circumstances (like get out of bed in time to exercise in the morning or wash the dishes after putting three kids to bed), but still struggle to do even when I know I'll feel better after doing them. All of a sudden I had some empathy for my daughter's situation and I recognized that lecturing or guilting her out of bed in the morning wasn't ever going to work. A few things have changed since then. Rather than turning away, or turning against my daughter in the morning, I've turned toward her with empathy, and held her accountable for getting up by taking the time to stick with her through her routine. Is she able to get out of bed on her own? Get dressed? Brush her teeth? Under the best of circumstances, of course she is. Guess what? That doesn't change the fact that my 5-year-old is struggling to meet those same expectations on weekday mornings. So I've been scooping her up out of bed, helping her get dressed, holding her hand and walking her to the bathroom to brush her teeth, tugging her gloves onto her hands, and holding her backpack up for her to loop her arms through. To do this I need to have myself ready to go earlier and set aside that time for her, and if I don't and I am late for my 7:45 meeting...well that is just as much on me as it is on her. I am capable of getting myself out of bed in the morning to go for a run. I actually love running in the morning and typically enjoy the benefits of having gone all day long. When I have plans to meet someone at 5:30, I get out of bed 10 out of 10 times when the alarm goes off at 5:15. When there is nobody waiting for me, but I still want to go.... And I still set my alarm And I still set out my clothes 9 out of 10 times I hit the snooze button and opt out. Sometimes accountability is the best kind of motivation. Especially when it comes in the form of encouragement and support rather than criticism and guilt. I can't say that I've made to every 7:45 meeting on time since January 16th, but parting ways with my daughter each morning is a lot easier (even if I'm a few minutes late) after we've worked together to get through the morning rather than against each other. Apparently our group effort has spilled over into other parts of our day. Quite literally. If Ryann wouldn't of knocked that glass of milk off the counter last night I don't think I could have fully appreciated that. Also, the next time I get my house cleaned during the day, if I want to enjoy it for 30 minutes, I should walk home for lunch.
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AuthorMy name is Alissa Anderson. I am the School Psychologist for the Esko Public School District in Esko, MN. I am also a mother of three and was certified as a Love and Logic Parent Educator in 2009. Archives
January 2023
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