So what happens when it's my toddler who screams his head off in the store? When it's my kid who gets kicked off the bus? Or suspended from preschool? When it's my son who gets accused of bullying? When it's my daughter who has said terrible things about another classmate in a Tic Tok video? What happens when it's my kid who hurts another kid? Or mouths off to a teacher? Or breaks the neighbor's window? What happens when it's my daughter who got busted for drinking, or my son that people are warning their daughters to stay away from?
AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE.... I catch myself wanting to go here over and over again when my kids misbehave. In his book The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Dan Siegel reminds us that one of the strongest predictors of a young person turning into a decent human being (in other words, NOT an asshole or a criminal) is by being there for our kids when they really need it. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but when I think of the times in my life when I have really needed my parents and family and friends...I mean really needed them... It has been when I've screwed up. When my family and friends have been there for me, when they've shown up with love, understanding, support, and accountability, they've given me the space to safely reflect on my mistake and the circumstances that led me there in the first place. I can also remember times when the people whose approval I was desperately seeking, responded to my screw ups with frustration, anger, and judgement. It seems like the only true lessons I learned from those mistakes were rooted in shame, and the way I dealt with the shame was by burying it. There is no better way to bury shame than by redirecting anger, frustration, and judgement right back at the people who have sent it my way in the first place. In his book, Siegel explains that how we show up also matters. Our best shot as parents of ensuring our children attach securely to us (which leads to healthy attachments in future relationships) is to make sure they feel:
I've learned first hand that dealing with my kids bad behavior, particularly if that bad behavior is on public display, can push me into a trifecta of going rage monster at my kids and becoming a source of terror which then further dysregulates them. In this state of mind, I am physically incapable of reflecting on my child's behavior and the inner experience that triggered the behavior in the first place. I recently read this super interesting article on attachment theory that kind of blew my mind. There's this British guy, John Bowlby, who after studying how different mammals rear their young, observes that young ground dwelling animals, when under threat, run for cover, BUT.....tree dwelling primates like chimpanzees and gorillas, they run to a protective adult who then carries them to safety. Bowlby goes on to make the leap that human babies, the most dependent of all infant mammals, are predisposed to seek closeness and protection from the adults around them. The adults who will ensure their safety when under threat. It makes sense as kids get older, when they link their bad behavior to parents loving them less, they feel less safe and secure. Our kids need to feel confident that the platform of self-worth (being worthy of love) they are standing on is large enough to absorb occasional missteps. They need to believe it is possible to act badly without being "bad". Our kids often feel that the better, kinder, nicer they are, the more the important adults in their lives will love them. At first glance it sounds like a good incentive, right? If my kid is motivated to be "good" because they want to please me, then I've done something right. If I reward good behavior and punish bad behavior, I will have a good kid, and people will want to align themselves with my kid. The better my kid behaves, the greater the reward. The worse my kid behaves, the more I punish. Here's the problem, though, kids are smart and they intuitively understand the proportional relationship between their behavior and their parent's regard for them: "When I am good, mom and dad love me more. When I am bad, mom and dad love me less." Here's the other problem. There is no such thing as the perfect kid. They are going to screw up. Some more than others, but the screwing up part is inevitable. If our kids think our love for them is dependent on how "good" they are, chances are when they are bad they aren't going to tell us about it. If they don't talk, we don't get the chance to frame up the experience for them. To help them learn from it and change up how they might handle a similar situation in the future. If we confront them about their behavior, and they understand that bad behavior equates to less love and positive regard....They will lie. They will justify their behavior. They will blame others. Because the alternative is losing the thing they need the most in life, love and closeness from us without strings attached. The unconditional kind that is steady and unwavering. The kind of closeness that their lives have depended on since birth. I just have to stop right here and say, this is super hard stuff. I don't get it right every time. And that is okay, because there is no such thing as perfect parenting either. If we recognize when we've screwed up as parents and circle back around to repair the relationship, there is a lot our kids learn from that experience as well. I am judgmental sometimes. I say things that make my kids feel really bad. And sometimes my kids feel like I will love them less when they are bad, even when I don't judge or shame. I found this to be especially true with my middle child, Brock. So what is the right way to deal with our own kids bad behavior? The world of parenting is just like everything else, full of advice and new books and new information. It's hard to keep up with what "the right thing" to do is. I first learned about Love and Logic parenting at the very beginning of my career (circa 2006); long before I had kids. I have to say, as much as I have grabbed onto and got excited about new information and new ways of looking at things in the parenting world, when it comes to how I can best respond to my kids behavior, Love and Logic holds up. Every time. Love and Logic folks discovered a long time ago that the most effective way to respond to bad behavior is with equal parts:
I know this sounds weird but the empathy piece is just as important as the consequence, because leading with empathy leads our kids to seeing THEMSELVES as the source or their problems. When parents (or teachers or caregivers) respond to bad behavior with anger, kids redirect, and the person who is making them feel terrible becomes the source of their problem. Empathy can be a hard thing. A few pointers after lots of years of practice are:
This next thing might be a little controversial, but hang with me...If your kid screws up at school (or if your kids are older and they get into trouble with law enforcement) and someone else delivers a consequence, I want you to consider NOT layering an additional consequence on top of the consequence. Let's say your kid pushes or hits another kid on the playground. Chances are someone at school is going to deal with this. They might be sent to the principals office and have to stay inside from recess for a period of time. Another natural consequence is the kid who got pushed (and the kids who witnessed it or heard about it) might not want to play with your kid, for awhile at least. It's actually possible that an empathetic response from you can actually make the consequence from school more impactful.
"Buddy. That sounds really bad. I am sorry you had to go through that. You really enjoy recess, so that is going to be hard missing out on recess for the rest of the week." "Also, it sounds like you really hurt your friend. That is really hard. Your friends mean a lot to you. The good news is, you can fix that too. It's called making a repair. What could you do to make a repair with your friend when you head back onto the playground next week?" Can you see how this keeps your kid owning their problem? Can you see how differently your kid might react if when they got home you told them to go to their room, that they are grounded for two weeks, and that you are taking away their electronics? I've learned to see natural consequences and consequences from someone other than me as a gift for both my kids and me. It allows me to be a safe harbor where I can soothe and see my kids so they feel secure enough to file their behavior into the "lessons learned" category while the consequences of their behavior and mistakes are still small. Time is precious and the older they get the more devastating the consequences. When we rob our kids of learning from their mistakes by responding in anger or by not holding them accountable at all, and we don't circle back around to repair our mistake, chances are the universe will eventually teach them their unlearned lessons the hard way. It is impossible for me to control every variable that could lead to bad things happening in my children's lives, and it's really not up to me how my children "turn out". What I do have control over is fostering and protecting my relationship with my children above all else. This includes risking the possibility that someone else (or sometimes it feels like the entire school or the entire world) might judge how I handle a situation in a negative way. I am okay with that. I care about my kids that much.
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AuthorMy name is Alissa Anderson. I am the School Psychologist for the Esko Public School District in Esko, MN. I am also a mother of three and was certified as a Love and Logic Parent Educator in 2009. Archives
January 2023
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